IVF #1: Successfully Unsuccessful

Well...we found out on Monday, March 5th that our first IVF was unsuccessful. We had prepared ourselves since we knew our odds under the circumstances with the Endo flare that our situation was not ideal. We were cautiously hopeful during the two week wait, but of course we really wanted this to be the one that worked.

While IVF #1 was unsuccessful for us there were many successes along the way that are noteworthy to where I do not deem this IVF a fail.

I am known for reading the last page of the book first. I love the middle and the story along the way, so it doesn’t spoil it for me, but rather allows me to see how everything unfolds to that last page. This IVF was not the end for us; it is simply the middle and there is so much we have gained through this process that will only allow us to get closer to reading the last page of our story.

With this being said, please do not think I didn’t ball my eyes out. I grieved and I believe it is important to share that. I took a test on Friday, March 2nd, and at that point I was 11dp5dt (11 days past 5 day transfer) and through all of my google searches and scouring of discussion boards majority of women had a positive by then, so I assumed I was out. That Friday I was feeling down and texted CJ saying let's just stay in tonight and I will bring home a pizza from American Pie. Ha, worst idea ever (I am shaking my head as I write this, seriously WORST idea)!!

American Pie is filled with little kids, I felt like I was at a damn Chuck E Cheese - who knew?! Not me, I assure you, or I would have not stepped one of my toes in that place. This was not the day to sit and wait for my pizza for 30 minutes while children were running around and loving on their parents. It took everything inside of me to not lose it right there as I sat waiting for my pizza. I had to think of anything and everything else to not break down crying in the middle of this pizza joint. A mom and her daughter sit down beside me it is about 6p; she tells me the woman in front of me is just getting the pizza she called in at 4p… my instant response “shut up”. I then wish I hadn’t said that because she didn’t look too pleased with my response with her daughter in her lap. I, of course, berate myself that a mother would not say that. It is more of a shock shut up… not a rude one. Nonetheless, I am who I am and figured I will probably still say this in this manner when I am a mother, so I let myself off the hook.

As soon as I got to my car, I was able to finally let it out. And, what a relief. I am a full supporter of a big cry, it is so healthy. I may never do it around anyone, but it is crucial to LET IT OUT! I had a pity party for myself, I told CJ how I hated that I felt like other women had something over me because I couldn’t give him a child knowing it had to do with my endometriosis. I also told him how unreasonable and unrealistic I sounded because I know how he feels about that and realistically I know better. But, to have a successful pity party I think it calls for a touch of irrationality.

That night played a big role in why I would be better the next day. You cannot move on if you do not grieve and you cannot move forward if you are stuck in the past. I try to picture moments in time from the next day, that this moment will fade and tomorrow always has the opportunity to be better and brighter if you are open to it. 

So we looked back at this unsuccessful cycle and realized it was still successful…...

  • I am, after over two years of testing officially diagnosed. Celebrating the clarity!

  • We have already started kicking endometriosis in the ass, or more literally my ass, because that is where the Lupron shot is injected each month to suppress the endo.

  • CJ is now a professional shot administrator, he should have went into the medical field. Until the very last one, he would still tell me sorry after. This part brought us so much closer and we learned even more about each other through this. He does get a well deserved break the next few months because the Lupron shots are administered in office by my favorite OB nurse, Katie! 

  • We have 3 frozen embryos in Barbados, just chilling waiting on us to return :)

  • We have seen our embryo in a picture and boy it was cute! I can't wait to see the other 3!

  • Financially, we are so smart now… we learned to save and work towards $14,500 in three months. I am still impressed with us :) Cost of IVF is nothing to be ashamed of and should be talked about more. Costs are HIGHLY inflated in the US; from treatment prices to medications. We would have paid close to $25-30 grand for care we did not even feel confident in if we would have stayed in Atlanta.

  • We have a fertility clinic that we trust 110% and that we believe will help us towards our miracle! If you are looking for a clinic - Barbados Fertility Centre is truly the heart of fertility care.

  • We have shared an amazing journey with our family and friends which only brings us closer and closer to those we love.

  • We did it! We did IVF and we survived :) It was not as scary as I had always feared. I felt so strong after this round of IVF…and proud that we handled it the way we did. Proud that we made the tough calls and proud that we pushed through and proved to ourselves that together we could rock IVF.

What's next you ask...together, we will truck both feet forward, looking positively at what is to come as we take next steps to address my endometriosis and create a less hostile environment for our embryos to set up shop for 9 months! Until then….monthly shots for 3-4 months, immune tests, and lots of books to read to pass the time before we can go back and see our friends at Barbados Fertility Centre.

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