The Grey Area
I currently reside in the grey area. Unexplained infertility is mean enough to leave you in the dark, but just nice enough to provide a glimmer of light in the idea that nothing is wrong. That our time will come. The not knowing is what wares on my soul. Yes, this experience is difficult no matter which way we approach it, but to hear countless stories of those who have achieved their dream when they were faced with this diagnosis or such low odds makes it even harder for me to comprehend. It makes it that much harder to rationalize and not doubt that we are doing EVERYTHING we can.
Our fertility specialist is a tall, simple, beautiful woman probably in her late 30s. She wears no makeup and her hair is left to the fate of the weather. She ushers us into her office, and begins with, well this is the IVF talk. I was aware that this would be our discussion today. On the outside I was attentive and focused, but on the inside were only tears. It was surreal. I couldn’t and still cannot understand how we are at this point. The countless times I told myself that I could do the waiting, I could do the IUIs, but I just can’t do that. Praying and hoping to anyone that would listen, please just don’t let me get to this point. Rationalizing that I can handle a lot, but I cannot handle that. Everything about IVF is incredibly interesting to me, I respect the science, that is not what scares me. It is the knowing that this is it. That if this doesn’t work, then what. If this doesn’t work, how devastated will I be. If this doesn’t work, can I handle that. The answer will always be yes.
Often times through this journey, I have thought this is it - this will be my breaking point. Surprisingly enough I haven’t reached that breaking point and I don’t know if or when I will. There is so much hate in the world that is shown through the news and social media. So much that distances ourselves from others and trusting strangers. What has gotten me through this and what continues to get me through these hardships are those who inspire me. Sometimes it is a close friend who perserveres or shows such compassion during a time of need. Sometimes it is someone like Victoria - ESPN reporter, on Dancing with the Stars, who has overcome such tremendous odds. When I find myself feeling defeated, I also find myself inspired by someone that gives me the strength to keep moving forward. These people remove the grey area for a moment and inspire me with their light in this world.
So, thank you for those people that stand beside me, those that hold me up when I need it, and those that share their story because each inspire me and each provide light into the grey area we currently reside.