Why I am Different
Why am I different now? I know my friends and family see it whether they say it or not. I am a very positive person usually, sometimes probably annoyingly so. I like to put a spin on the bad to make it good or see the bright side of any situation. That is how I cope, and I like that about myself - I always have.
There was a point where seeing babies and families gave me hope and joy. It allowed me to see what is possible, made my heart flutter. Somewhere along the way though that changed. I found myself crying when people leave the room after seeing a family together. Putting down the top I wanted at Target after hearing a little girl talk to her Mommy, so I could hurry to my car so no one would see me cry. Who cries in the middle of Target? I mean it's Target, how can you not be happy.
Everything has changed. My perspective, my views have changed. I go to a restaurant and see a family eating dinner and I feel that ache in my heart. I see children dressed up in their Halloween costumes (which are totally adorable) and I feel that ache in my heart. I watch a show and see the woman who just found out she is pregnant and I feel that same ache. I see my friends with their baby bumps and my heart aches. It is out of my control, it is out of my hands. It is the first time I feel totally out of control of how I feel. I am not happy all of the time even though I try to be. I have days where I don't want to go out because I know that day I am not strong enough. I have declined baby shower invitations because at that time I knew I couldn't handle it. My different has made me selfish, and I think that is okay because it is what I need.
THE PART THAT BOTHERS ME THE MOST - I DON'T WANT TO BE DIFFERENT, BUT I AM.
The part that bothers me the most - I don't want to be different, but I am. It doesn't have to be a bad or good different - it is just different. It is knowing what you can handle and what you can't. Sometimes it is about protecting yourself until you're strong enough. Sometimes it is letting yourself hurt and accepting it. Sometimes - it just takes time. Time to hurt, time to accept, understand, and time to adapt.
I don't know that I have accepted or adapted to the different I am yet, but I know one day I will and you will too.